ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
