I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Your shirt... Was in my pants
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
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