wake up i wanna do it froggy style
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
