Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
