So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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