Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Randomize
