what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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