I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
