Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
