you traded sex for a burrito?
The best revenge is premature balding
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
