When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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