he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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