Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
