My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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