I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Randomize
