the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
