One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
