In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
