dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
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