I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
