but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
