The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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