Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
