I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
