why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
