You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
