I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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