I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
