yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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