please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Randomize
