Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
