I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Randomize
