i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
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