girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
