I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Randomize
