This is not my ceiling
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
