you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
