we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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