he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Randomize
