I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
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