I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
