i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
