I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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