Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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