I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
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