Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
