my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
