She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
