He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
they need to just BURY HIM!
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
