What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
