Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
