WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
