I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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