i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
