gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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