So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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