The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
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